3% Chance of Miscarriage (Part 1)

A good friend once asked me what it felt like after our first miscarriage and my only reply was, ”I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Stephanie and I have been through three miscarriages. What I write is not exhaustive of everyone that has gone through a miscarriage. Also, it isn’t necessarily the best example of a way to go through them. This is our story.

After being married for three years Stephanie and I decided we would not hinder the possibility of getting pregnant. She had been taking birth control pills and stopped. Her periods were irregular so it was hard to track the ovulation cycle. With that it then took another three years before we got pregnant.

My brother and his wife had gone through the situation of a miscarriage, but, like most things in life, until you experience it yourself you’ll never truly understand. Just like being a parent for the first time is incomprehensible in the feelings that you’ve never known to exist, so is a miscarriage.

Not having thought that a miscarriage could happen we told anyone and everyone. The reason people wait until after the first trimester to tell the big news is because the fewer people that know, the fewer people to make it into an awkward situation.

Stephanie started spotting and was nervous about it.  Quite a few people said not to worry about it since it can be normal in pregnancy. Several went on to tell her how they spotted during their pregnancy and it ended up being nothing. The other thing Stephanie did was Google it. It’s helpful that you can find anything online but also not at all. You could have the smallest symptom and end up thinking you have one week to live (like when I got nine tick bites, although I did end up with some pretty nasty stuff).

The doctor’s office had us come back several times and drew blood to check on “numbers”. I know what that means now but it was weird at the time. Ultimately the numbers weren’t increasing like they were supposed to so they did an ultrasound. We were around nine/ten weeks at that point. The body size in the scan showed growth to about seven weeks (right around when we were telling people, which doesn’t account for any degeneration) but for some reason her body wasn’t trying to force the tissue out.

Not long after finding out we were pregnant we were looking through one of those pregnancy books with pictures of the baby at different points of development.  We had jokingly started calling the baby “Wally” because one of those early pictures looked like a walrus.  One of the most depressing images to this day was seeing the tissue slumped on that 65” plasma TV as it looked like Wally lying on his side, not alive.

The doctors office talked us through what was next; letting the body do its job or having a D&C.  They gave us pamphlets to look at and read. A miscarriage is horrible for a woman but also bad for the guy. In the pamphlets they called him the “silent sufferer”. There is nothing you can do for your wife or your child that didn’t make it. We were distraught, confused, disappointed, hurt, and more, but I will assume you get the point.

They scheduled the D&C for a couple days later. Everything went as planned. We had some very kind friends stay the entire time with us through the procedure. For your first one you slip in and out of moments of normalcy, lunacy, and comprehension. You’d go from sitting there thinking nothing to tears streaming down your face (thanks Coldplay) in seconds.

Through it our friends and family were very loving. Checking in on us. Simple things make a big difference.

One of the saddest moments was when I came home from work, walked into the bedroom, and Stephanie was sitting on the bench in front of our bed holding her stomach weeping. Her only words were she missed Wally.

The baby’s due date would have been my grandfather’s birthday, March 16, 2010. One problem with telling too many people early is for weeks and months people would walk up to Stephanie and ask how far along she was, if she knew the gender, and how she felt. Makes for some pretty terrible times. It’s not their fault, they didn’t know.

Through all of this I spun into depression and made a series of bad decisions that were already in a long line of them. I wondered if, since my life wasn’t right, I caused this. The enemy won out on that one. It takes hitting rock bottom to get back up again. I should have made my bottom a lot shallower than I did. I live with a lot of regrets but God is merciful and full of grace. He has blessed me with a wonderful family, great friends, and an awesome church.

So as not to thoroughly depress you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After a miscarriage you’re told to wait three cycles before you try again.  Unintentionally, we got pregnant after one.

On July 9, 2010 Frankie Jane Maddox was born. In May 2010 I took the necessary steps to set everything right, as I wanted to make sure I was bringing a little girl into the world to a Dad who was the husband and father he was supposed to be.

Love you, Wally!  We can’t wait to hold you.

Part 2 will entail our second miscarriage and the first time in my life that I ever called 911, which the call didn’t go through the first three times (curses AT&T)…

Butt Print in the Sand - God’s desire for you to be a mature follower...

A guest blog post by my brother Zach Maddox:

Mom, please read no further. If you have a copy of “Footprints in the Sand” hanging in your home, you may wish to skip over the following prose. The variation of “Footprints in the Sand” has the potential of ruining any future reading.

Butt print in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there was seen,

The footprints of my precious Lord,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,

And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"

Those prints are large and round and neat,

"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,

"For miles I carried you along.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,

The walk of faith, you would not know,

So I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

(Anonymous)

An immature faith?

First Corinthians 3:1-3 states, “Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in the Christian life. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, for you are still controlled by your sinful nature.”

God desires growth

As a follower of Jesus you either grow or shrink in faith. No one is able to select cruise-control in their relationship with a living God. You either purposely dedicate your life to what God declares significant, a life that glorifies Him, or pursue what this world deems important.

Loving God and loving people

A life dedicated to God involves loving Him and loving people. This includes believing His word, doing His acts and living a wholesome, faith-filled life.

As you demonstrate love for God and others, you cultivate a stabilizing faith that bears challenges and difficulties associated with building enduring relationships.

The challenge

Decide to mature in your walk with God! Take time daily to read the Bible and pray. Ask Him to develop godly character in your life.

God has the ability to carry you through hardships but know that He wants to develop greater faith in you and help you to stand on your own two feet. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Phil 4:13).

Visit me on the web at zachmaddox.com for pictures from around the world, on-site bible video teachings, and much more. Visit my blog next week as I discuss “Doctors, Diabetes, and Demonstrations - the challenge of living overseas”.

In what ways is your faith tested and strengthened?

Not My Vision but My Vision

Matthew 22

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

A couple weeks ago I wrote a guest blog for Creative Church. You can find it at: http://www.creativechurch.com/day-08-its-not-about-me/

I’m following up with: Not my vision but my vision. Not my church but my church.

By nature I’m creative. I multitask intuitively. My mind runs a thousand miles a minute. I have to force myself to focus and when I do it is laser like. Details bug me. My OCD can cause anything to stick out. I’m driven and passionate. Alone good, combined, possibly deadly. When I get focused on something I want to see it followed through. Passion equals intensity. Anything to an extreme can be unhealthy though. Intense people don’t bother me, because all it tells me is they are passionate about something. Especially in this day and age when passion doesn’t seem as prevalent.

Creating gives a natural high and because of this it is hard not to get trapped into continually creating the next thing instead of finishing the current thing. A scary aspect of creating is when you put it out there. It feels like an extension of you and, if not well received, can be extremely hurtful in the end.

In the church world, something that I learned along the way is “Not my vision but my vision. Not my church but my church”. It isn’t up to me. Although I’m responsible, I’m not totally responsible. My job may be to lead, suggest, recommend, or to follow through, but my job isn’t hinged on me. I’m not the face and name of the church and growing up in a lead pastor’s home taught me this at an early age. I don’t work for myself. I work for the Lord and whom He has put in leadership over our church body.

Dr. Rutland has a great message where he talks about the power of Christ. In it he talks about how Christ said phrases like, “Let the dead bury the dead.” Watch it here: https://vimeo.com/20804265. I share this so that you understand not my vision, but my vision. In the church body you are there to facilitate the vision of the Lead Pastor. Your work is not your vision, but his vision and if he is truly following the Lord (which I would believe that he is) then his vision is His vision. At the proper time you are free to debate, disagree, converse, and what have you, but once a decision has been made it must become your vision as well. In order to do this well you must learn to get over yourself. You are free to have your own visions, dreams, and be a leader, but unless you are the Lead Pastor it is not your vision, but it is your vision.

This isn’t rocket science and you may already know this, so in that case think of this as a friendly reminder and encouragement. You are doing well. Help carry the load of your lead pastor and your church and see where the Lord takes you.

Feel free to add some of your top ministry advice below in the comments.

Dear Frankie...Two Years Old

Dear Frankie,

Today you are two years old. I remember waking up at four something to get your Mom to the hospital. I remember the doctor holding you up and your precious little cry. I remember carrying you to the recovery room and sitting in the rocking chair waiting for your Mom to come out from surgery. I remember those dark blue eyes staring at me, inquisitively figuring me out. I remember my heart breaking and remolding just from holding eight plus pounds of you and blankets. I remember my first prayers for you and my continual peace with you in my arms.

You are growing up so fast. I understand the people that wish for their children to live with them for forever, but I also know I look forward to raising you and seeing you flourish in life. There is no greater joy than seeing you twirl, sing, laugh, smile, stare, glare (you got that from your Mom…okay, you got it from me), and challenge me to be a better father and person.

You know no stranger. Coming from a guy who is borderline socially inept and continually trapped in my thoughts and puzzles, you amaze me. You teach me to not fear people or situations. To you, every person you meet is a new adventure. Your acceptance and appreciation is beautiful.

You’ve made me realize that disciplining you truly is as hard on you as it is on me. I understand a little more of what the Lord must feel when teaching us and disciplining us. I find no joy in it, and my heartbreaks, but knowing that it is forming you in a godly manner, I know there is a greater good. Or as a comedian once said, I’d rather discipline you than have you be the next Hitler or serial killer. Know that it is done in love and sadness and not in vengeance or for lack of compassion.

Lastly, your joy in something as simple as a song, reading a story, twirling and dancing to the music in your head, or a short walk is inspiring. I admire your sense of adventure and curiousness. You are ever learning and shaping your own thoughts, even at this young age. Your ability to see something once and repeat it is amazing and scary (like when you weren’t even two, you learned to gurgle water by watching me or your usage of an iPhone at the level of most adults).

I’m sorry for any mistakes, failures, or disappointments I have caused or will cause. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I will always love and cherish you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Forever and always,

Your loving Dad

Blue Like Jazz: The Movie

I've been a fan of Donald Miller and his book for awhile now. I even recently watched Free Market Jesus and Let Story Guide You, talks that he did at a conference. He's funny, thought provoking, and inspirational at times, but always conversational and down to earth.

Stephanie and I heard about the movie through Twitter and gave money to help the project along. Because of that we will be credited at the end of the film as Associate Producers.

Below is some info and the trailer so you can check it out. Make sure to go see it April 13th and bring your friends and family along.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GOglQgyxYkI

Website: http://www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com/

If you want to help promote the movie make sure to check out the website: http://everybodybelongssomewhere.com/cd/

Cheers!

Thoughts on Sunday

I was thinking through some advice and concepts I've picked up along the way and how they relate to production and life. These are very obvious, but I think sometimes forgotten. So, think of this as a kind reminder. These are applicable to life or whatever line of work you may be in but I've used them towards production and church. These are in no particular order and ended up being a long one, grab a warm drink (I mean it is winter) and read on.

1. Don't be afraid of your neighbor.

Space on stage looks awkward both in the room and on screen, unless done for dramatic or programmatic effect. We are a happy united team and space speaks otherwise. In life and in film it is the common understanding that actions speak louder than words. How you look or act on stage will reflect more than what you sing or what you say.

2. Don't be afraid of the edge.

Being downstage brings a closeness and intimacy with the audience that standing further upstage will not reflect. Hopefully the people won't bite, so don't act like they will. Distance shows disconnection or fear.

3. Practice as you play.

This is fairly obvious and self-explanatory.

4. In a mix, if you can't hear everyone else, you won't be able to add or blend.

Running monitors is a fairly simple job (I've had plenty of debates and conversations about this). All you do is give the talent their desire in mix. One thing that is very common in amateurs or those with less confidence is their mix is only their instrument, voice, or both with everything else very below. If you are a solo act, that would be awesome. But since you probably are not this means you don't know what everyone else is playing and doing. This can lead to a group of lead instruments instead of a band. Since it is a team objective you should know what the rest of the team is doing.

5. Sometimes you should turn things down than turn them up.

The common request is, "Can I get more of myself?" or "Can I get more..." whereas it should be, can I get these things turned down so that I can hear this more clearly. There is only so much headroom and it is typically easier to turn stuff down to make it sound better than to turn it all up. Once you hit the ceiling in a mix and in life, there is nowhere else to go except sideways.

6. Tone is key.

There is only so much you can do with EQ and effects. What you deliver is what is given. Unless you have a magician in back or are mostly a loop act, it's best to make sure what comes from stage is the best it can be so that those in the booth can deliver the best they can. It is a tandem objective, that I don't disagree, but you can only give what you get.

7. Own your area.

It's easy to worry about what other people are doing wrong. The saying is those that aren't rowing the boat are the one's that have time to rock the boat. If everyone is doing the best they absolutely can and focused on making their part the best, you won't have to worry about what everyone else is doing. Focus on yourself and expect the same of your team. In the sports analogy, let the manager/coach worry about what the team is doing and you just worry about being apart of the team.

8. Actions speak louder than words.

In film, they say the eyes expose the truth in someone, and this can't be truer in image magnification (Imag). Imag makes it so that you may be a hundred feet away, but someone is watching you as if you are four feet away. If you don't mean it, it will show.

9. Ask questions.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions. If you aren't sure, just ask. I tell volunteers and employees that you can ask me anything at anytime and that my discomfort comes when they aren't asking questions. No one knows everything, and no one is expected too. When you ask questions and show what you don't know, it proves and backs up even more what you do know.

10. Be confident.

In the movie Moneyball, one of the things they talk about is the confidence players have relating to how well they play. This is true in productions as well. If you aren't confident in what you are playing or doing, it shows. Especially with Imag. Make sure to come prepared, excited, expecting, and confident in what you are doing. If you aren't, it is better to pull yourself out of the "game" than to bring the team down to your level.

11. Practice, practice, practice.

Michael Jordan didn't just practice one day a week and go play the game. The NFL doesn't just practice on a Tuesday and then show up Sunday for game day. When I was a volunteer I practiced more at home than I did at church. I wanted to know the music inside and out. If I couldn't carry a conversation while playing my parts then I knew I wasn't practiced enough. In other words, if I could play my part and not use my brain to think about it, then I knew the music was apart of me and I was no longer performing it.

12. If you can't hit it, don't swing at it.

It's better to not try, than to try and miss when it comes to music. Being unsure and trying to hit a note would be like if I put an apple on your head, shot at it, missed and said, "Well it was close." Notes and pitch don't lie. If you can't hit it, there is nothing wrong with playing/singing it a different way (falsetto, different octave). It may not be as cool as written, but it is better than a swing and a miss. You could even rewrite it all together. Be creative with it.

13. Be kind.

The worst situations can be deflated with kindness. There is no perfect person, but there is someone that tries their hardest and strives for excellence. People make mistakes; it's how you react to those mistakes that will define that situation. Kindness will go a long way. As Plato says, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

14. Expect the best in one another.

We're all here for a common goal. People will let you down, but I would rather think the best of them in every situation and give the benefit of the doubt. This will help in dealing with kindness, and context is a big part of it.

15. Context is the best text.

There are two texts that are most important, context and subtext. There are always two sides to every story. Everyone has a bad day. I always find it better to ask questions than to just start making statements when it comes to sticky situations. This again ties into thinking the best of others and kindness.

16. Hold all things with an open hand.

In all things I do I always try to keep the context of at anytime my leaders or God can take it and have me focus on something else. I am not defined by what I do. I do what is needed and what my leaders or God would have me do. This has brought far more fulfillment to what I do at the church and in life. I'm not worried about everything else because there are two things I know for sure. The Lord will always provide and he always has a plan.

17. Prayer will take you further than you can alone.

Again, self-explanatory but true. There shouldn't be a week that you aren't praying your heart out for what you are going to accomplish. Don't just let the intensity of your prayer life come during big events at work or in life.

Hope these thoughts help, even if they are just an encouragement in what you are doing. I'm not perfect or the best at all of these, but strive to do them well and to work my hardest in all that I do.

Feel free to comment below, tweet it, post it, or pass it on.

What could you add to this list and conversation? Share below.

Cheers!

The Grace of God - A Book Review

The Grace of God by Andy Stanley

If you haven’t guessed by the title, this book is on grace. The book approaches God’s grace from stories in the Old and New Testament to show God’s grace. It gives the paradigm of how we all want grace, but it is harder to give than to receive. It gives hope and faith through grace.

I’ll be candid; I’m a huge fan of Andy Stanley. I love his speaking, his sermon series, etc. If he made furniture, I would think about buying it. All that to say; I’ll try to be as unbiased as possible in this review.

The book does well in that you get the humor and personal stories that Andy Stanley is known for, but you get the biblical teaching and example that backs everything up. Chapter by chapter he uses the illustration of another story in the bible to show God’s grace and gives the ability to apply it to your life.

Is it the best book I’ve ever read? No. Is it a good book to read? Yes. If you want a straight forward, biblical approach to the history and relevance of giving and getting grace, pick up the book.

Cheers!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”