3% Chance of Miscarriage (Part 1)

A good friend once asked me what it felt like after our first miscarriage and my only reply was, ”I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Stephanie and I have been through three miscarriages. What I write is not exhaustive of everyone that has gone through a miscarriage. Also, it isn’t necessarily the best example of a way to go through them. This is our story.

After being married for three years Stephanie and I decided we would not hinder the possibility of getting pregnant. She had been taking birth control pills and stopped. Her periods were irregular so it was hard to track the ovulation cycle. With that it then took another three years before we got pregnant.

My brother and his wife had gone through the situation of a miscarriage, but, like most things in life, until you experience it yourself you’ll never truly understand. Just like being a parent for the first time is incomprehensible in the feelings that you’ve never known to exist, so is a miscarriage.

Not having thought that a miscarriage could happen we told anyone and everyone. The reason people wait until after the first trimester to tell the big news is because the fewer people that know, the fewer people to make it into an awkward situation.

Stephanie started spotting and was nervous about it.  Quite a few people said not to worry about it since it can be normal in pregnancy. Several went on to tell her how they spotted during their pregnancy and it ended up being nothing. The other thing Stephanie did was Google it. It’s helpful that you can find anything online but also not at all. You could have the smallest symptom and end up thinking you have one week to live (like when I got nine tick bites, although I did end up with some pretty nasty stuff).

The doctor’s office had us come back several times and drew blood to check on “numbers”. I know what that means now but it was weird at the time. Ultimately the numbers weren’t increasing like they were supposed to so they did an ultrasound. We were around nine/ten weeks at that point. The body size in the scan showed growth to about seven weeks (right around when we were telling people, which doesn’t account for any degeneration) but for some reason her body wasn’t trying to force the tissue out.

Not long after finding out we were pregnant we were looking through one of those pregnancy books with pictures of the baby at different points of development.  We had jokingly started calling the baby “Wally” because one of those early pictures looked like a walrus.  One of the most depressing images to this day was seeing the tissue slumped on that 65” plasma TV as it looked like Wally lying on his side, not alive.

The doctors office talked us through what was next; letting the body do its job or having a D&C.  They gave us pamphlets to look at and read. A miscarriage is horrible for a woman but also bad for the guy. In the pamphlets they called him the “silent sufferer”. There is nothing you can do for your wife or your child that didn’t make it. We were distraught, confused, disappointed, hurt, and more, but I will assume you get the point.

They scheduled the D&C for a couple days later. Everything went as planned. We had some very kind friends stay the entire time with us through the procedure. For your first one you slip in and out of moments of normalcy, lunacy, and comprehension. You’d go from sitting there thinking nothing to tears streaming down your face (thanks Coldplay) in seconds.

Through it our friends and family were very loving. Checking in on us. Simple things make a big difference.

One of the saddest moments was when I came home from work, walked into the bedroom, and Stephanie was sitting on the bench in front of our bed holding her stomach weeping. Her only words were she missed Wally.

The baby’s due date would have been my grandfather’s birthday, March 16, 2010. One problem with telling too many people early is for weeks and months people would walk up to Stephanie and ask how far along she was, if she knew the gender, and how she felt. Makes for some pretty terrible times. It’s not their fault, they didn’t know.

Through all of this I spun into depression and made a series of bad decisions that were already in a long line of them. I wondered if, since my life wasn’t right, I caused this. The enemy won out on that one. It takes hitting rock bottom to get back up again. I should have made my bottom a lot shallower than I did. I live with a lot of regrets but God is merciful and full of grace. He has blessed me with a wonderful family, great friends, and an awesome church.

So as not to thoroughly depress you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After a miscarriage you’re told to wait three cycles before you try again.  Unintentionally, we got pregnant after one.

On July 9, 2010 Frankie Jane Maddox was born. In May 2010 I took the necessary steps to set everything right, as I wanted to make sure I was bringing a little girl into the world to a Dad who was the husband and father he was supposed to be.

Love you, Wally!  We can’t wait to hold you.

Part 2 will entail our second miscarriage and the first time in my life that I ever called 911, which the call didn’t go through the first three times (curses AT&T)…

Butt Print in the Sand - God’s desire for you to be a mature follower...

A guest blog post by my brother Zach Maddox:

Mom, please read no further. If you have a copy of “Footprints in the Sand” hanging in your home, you may wish to skip over the following prose. The variation of “Footprints in the Sand” has the potential of ruining any future reading.

Butt print in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there was seen,

The footprints of my precious Lord,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,

And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"

Those prints are large and round and neat,

"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,

"For miles I carried you along.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,

The walk of faith, you would not know,

So I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

(Anonymous)

An immature faith?

First Corinthians 3:1-3 states, “Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in the Christian life. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, for you are still controlled by your sinful nature.”

God desires growth

As a follower of Jesus you either grow or shrink in faith. No one is able to select cruise-control in their relationship with a living God. You either purposely dedicate your life to what God declares significant, a life that glorifies Him, or pursue what this world deems important.

Loving God and loving people

A life dedicated to God involves loving Him and loving people. This includes believing His word, doing His acts and living a wholesome, faith-filled life.

As you demonstrate love for God and others, you cultivate a stabilizing faith that bears challenges and difficulties associated with building enduring relationships.

The challenge

Decide to mature in your walk with God! Take time daily to read the Bible and pray. Ask Him to develop godly character in your life.

God has the ability to carry you through hardships but know that He wants to develop greater faith in you and help you to stand on your own two feet. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Phil 4:13).

Visit me on the web at zachmaddox.com for pictures from around the world, on-site bible video teachings, and much more. Visit my blog next week as I discuss “Doctors, Diabetes, and Demonstrations - the challenge of living overseas”.

In what ways is your faith tested and strengthened?

Not My Vision but My Vision

Matthew 22

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

A couple weeks ago I wrote a guest blog for Creative Church. You can find it at: http://www.creativechurch.com/day-08-its-not-about-me/

I’m following up with: Not my vision but my vision. Not my church but my church.

By nature I’m creative. I multitask intuitively. My mind runs a thousand miles a minute. I have to force myself to focus and when I do it is laser like. Details bug me. My OCD can cause anything to stick out. I’m driven and passionate. Alone good, combined, possibly deadly. When I get focused on something I want to see it followed through. Passion equals intensity. Anything to an extreme can be unhealthy though. Intense people don’t bother me, because all it tells me is they are passionate about something. Especially in this day and age when passion doesn’t seem as prevalent.

Creating gives a natural high and because of this it is hard not to get trapped into continually creating the next thing instead of finishing the current thing. A scary aspect of creating is when you put it out there. It feels like an extension of you and, if not well received, can be extremely hurtful in the end.

In the church world, something that I learned along the way is “Not my vision but my vision. Not my church but my church”. It isn’t up to me. Although I’m responsible, I’m not totally responsible. My job may be to lead, suggest, recommend, or to follow through, but my job isn’t hinged on me. I’m not the face and name of the church and growing up in a lead pastor’s home taught me this at an early age. I don’t work for myself. I work for the Lord and whom He has put in leadership over our church body.

Dr. Rutland has a great message where he talks about the power of Christ. In it he talks about how Christ said phrases like, “Let the dead bury the dead.” Watch it here: https://vimeo.com/20804265. I share this so that you understand not my vision, but my vision. In the church body you are there to facilitate the vision of the Lead Pastor. Your work is not your vision, but his vision and if he is truly following the Lord (which I would believe that he is) then his vision is His vision. At the proper time you are free to debate, disagree, converse, and what have you, but once a decision has been made it must become your vision as well. In order to do this well you must learn to get over yourself. You are free to have your own visions, dreams, and be a leader, but unless you are the Lead Pastor it is not your vision, but it is your vision.

This isn’t rocket science and you may already know this, so in that case think of this as a friendly reminder and encouragement. You are doing well. Help carry the load of your lead pastor and your church and see where the Lord takes you.

Feel free to add some of your top ministry advice below in the comments.

Dear Frankie...Two Years Old

Dear Frankie,

Today you are two years old. I remember waking up at four something to get your Mom to the hospital. I remember the doctor holding you up and your precious little cry. I remember carrying you to the recovery room and sitting in the rocking chair waiting for your Mom to come out from surgery. I remember those dark blue eyes staring at me, inquisitively figuring me out. I remember my heart breaking and remolding just from holding eight plus pounds of you and blankets. I remember my first prayers for you and my continual peace with you in my arms.

You are growing up so fast. I understand the people that wish for their children to live with them for forever, but I also know I look forward to raising you and seeing you flourish in life. There is no greater joy than seeing you twirl, sing, laugh, smile, stare, glare (you got that from your Mom…okay, you got it from me), and challenge me to be a better father and person.

You know no stranger. Coming from a guy who is borderline socially inept and continually trapped in my thoughts and puzzles, you amaze me. You teach me to not fear people or situations. To you, every person you meet is a new adventure. Your acceptance and appreciation is beautiful.

You’ve made me realize that disciplining you truly is as hard on you as it is on me. I understand a little more of what the Lord must feel when teaching us and disciplining us. I find no joy in it, and my heartbreaks, but knowing that it is forming you in a godly manner, I know there is a greater good. Or as a comedian once said, I’d rather discipline you than have you be the next Hitler or serial killer. Know that it is done in love and sadness and not in vengeance or for lack of compassion.

Lastly, your joy in something as simple as a song, reading a story, twirling and dancing to the music in your head, or a short walk is inspiring. I admire your sense of adventure and curiousness. You are ever learning and shaping your own thoughts, even at this young age. Your ability to see something once and repeat it is amazing and scary (like when you weren’t even two, you learned to gurgle water by watching me or your usage of an iPhone at the level of most adults).

I’m sorry for any mistakes, failures, or disappointments I have caused or will cause. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I will always love and cherish you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Forever and always,

Your loving Dad